There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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