I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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