I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
