Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
