Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
