That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
