My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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