You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
