Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
