ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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