you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
