Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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