The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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