apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
