i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
