I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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