I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
