Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
