Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Threesome in a minivan. New low
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
