two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
