my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
