I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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