i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
