i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
