Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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