i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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