Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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