I just pynch a tree in the face
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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