I CAN MOONWALK!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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