Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
