I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
