I haven't been this sober since birth.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
