Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
