i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
