Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
