Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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