Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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