I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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