Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize