not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
