Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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