I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
