you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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