Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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