I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You left your phone here
Wait...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
