Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
