Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
