whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
