these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
