seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
